Thursday, May 01, 2008

Stressing it

Greetings all. Back from camping and trying to get organized. Still having computer issues as well.

I am just going to take a minute to vent here and try to decompress. I know I am having PMS, but sometimes life just builds up . I also had a killer headache for a couple days, as my b/p meds ran out and it took me that long to fill it. So I guess it is just a conglomeration of things.

The big things are my family in MI. While we were camping my oldest dd called to tell me her grandpa great passed away and that her Nana was sick too. I already knew about the grandma issue, as my ex-husband had called me upset. He clearly wanted me to comfort him and tell him it would be alright. I couldn't do it. I have so many issues with this man. Most of them would clear up with a simple "I'm sorry". But I am not holding my breath and I couldn't do for him what he never did for me. So there you have it, I am a bad person and a bad Christian. I need to work on my forgiveness of him. Anyway, so I tell my children what is going on. They are smart and compassionate children. They understand about their grandpa great and are concerned about their Nana. But I still have them looking at me for solutions to the issues at hand, which are we really can't go up to MI. It cost far to much money to go to a place we are not treated well. They also don't understand why their dad doesn't take them up to MI, or for that matter why he doesn't visit it them except once a year when I pay for it. Don't even know if I will be able to afford to send flowers for the funeral at this point, still waiting on my dd to give me the details on that. I know this is all normal stuff, but can you see the stress building? I am also missing my oldest dd measurably! I haven't seen my grandson in a year and find myself lying awake at night trying to figure out we can sell so we will have money to see them. Big sigh. On top of this another friend of mines DH is very sick and needs surgery. I felt really pulled on this and knew I wasn't any good to her in my current state. Then I get mad at myself for feeling guilty when so many people are just as bad if not worse off. Like my friend Amy at church, check out her blog at the right, and her struggle with a Haitian adoption. She is truly one of the bravest and strongest women I have the pleasure of knowing!

Last night I didn't even want to go to church, I felt that sad. I finely gave in to my kids pleading and went. I figured I could use the support of the women's group and their prayers. I was disappointed. I know the lady who runs the group meant well, but her words and attitude came out wrong. I tried to explain things to group just as I did above, when it came time for prayer request. When she offered up the prayer she did pray for my family and the kids in MI but then she prayed , " and please let Beth's children stop giving her looks", and she said it in a kind of narky voice. She has never been blessed with kids, so maybe she missed what I was trying to get at. It's not the looks! I can handle that and try my best to be strong for them. It is the sense of a parent letting your kids down when they are counting on you to make sense out of a world that doesn't. It's a very hopeless feelings, makes you feel like a failure right or wrong. On top of this, when I got there several people came up to me and let me know about my friend and here husband. I was made to feel like less then a friend since I couldn't deal with her stuff and mine. Anyway, was just looking for some support, got none, came home still in a funk.

Well got some b/p meds in me and have shaken most of my headache and am starting to feel a tad better. Also got some props from my bff. Guess I will pull out of this soon. Just need to vent a little, thanks for listening. I am sure most of you know what I am going through and are going through it too. Be strong and remember that ~ "with God we can do all things"

The Spirit Himself hears witness with our spirit that we are children of God ~ Romans 8:16

God comforts us that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble ~ 2Corinthians 1: 3-4

Blessings, Beth Ann

No comments: